December 10th

             Today I got the notice from Friend of the Court that there will be a hearing on January 26th for child support.   Of course James got an envelope for his notice too.  From there of course it meant he was on my mind.   I spent some time trying to google sovereignty, michigan militia, recanting my memories and what not to a friend.   Slowly spiraling down without realizing it was all serving as a trigger to me.   I feel it now but not as in something that has already disrupted my core which leaves me feeling insecure and a bit on the hopeless department.   It changes how I view myself, view my future and view others around me.

              Quite honestly I don't like how I feel right now.  I wish I had seen it coming. I wish I had avoided coming down this path. But how else can I ever get answers if I need beat around the bushes of the internet.   No one else has as much vested in the outcome of this as I do... so I don't feel on one hand that no one is going to search harder for him.  But yet it comes at the cost of my mental and emotional health. It may also come at the cost of relationships.  

               So I am kind of torn.. Kind of unsure what it is that I am supposed to do.    I cannot hardly even continue writing this and writing about this topic.  I know I am tipping at that point of melt down.   I can continue wallowing here or I can change course and pick something else to do with the evening.